I mentioned before in my journal entries here that I used to mess around with HTML/CSS for about a decade at this point. Evidently it has not been 10 years of consistent work, as I took a break from it around 4 years ago at this point. (wow time flies.) I got back into it around October of 2025. I haven't made anything but have had on-and-off 'sites' which never went online. I made an account here on a whim, I was thinking about it for months and I decided to eventually make one in December, I kept updating it until around January, mid January to be more specific. So this site was maintained for about a month, considering I've joined on the 16th of Dec.
I finally had what I had wanted, I finally freed myself from this whatever-inducing paranoia prison I was in, I made something, I released it to the world, I even got someone to follow me! (socsie if you're reading this hello!) Regardless of it all, I have not felt as if this project really represented the ideas in my head. I felt as if I could create a space which more accurately represents what I believe in, what I am. something which I actually might be proud of. So far unfortunately, I have not seen anything like that.
I'm currently drowning in work caused by this ever-so unforgiving environment, I have no time for myself. And any that I do, I spend it in just perpetual anxiety and worry. I know it will all end soon (because I've got the dates for all the exams, all the tests, blah blah blah), but the preparations for it are huge and they are... pretty life-defining unfortunately. I wish I had more time to dedicate to this site, I loved making it and I honestly was not that proud of it. But I cared at least enough to properly 'bury it' before another one takes its place.
I am by no means sentimental to what this site used to be, but I am sentimental
to the idea behind it in general, from the name, to the colors, to what it represents to me... but seriously, the more time passes the less I want to partake in the idea of its creation.
The Internet really is not what it used to be. I am still obsessed with the idea of returning to the pre-sanitized, corporate controlled Web, but this one voice, ever-so growing, tells me that
it really is about time I let such an idea go, at least to the extent that I should forget about the chances of ever experiencing what it was like before the 'overtake'.
This website served to me, as a form of protest. A form of 'rebellion', no matter how silly that may (and is) be. I created it with the idea of connecting with other people
who are like-minded, claiming some space on this Web as my own, being able to document progress and one day look back on it, while sharing it and possibly even planting
the seed which may grow to foster similar ideas in someone else's mind. I just, I guess I wanted to build a place where I felt safe, and as time passes, avoid this fucking
artificial intelligence bullshit that keeps advancing without regulations and have a space where I knew actual
humans would end up being.
I don't know what else to type, what else to say, or even what to do in this moment. I'd like to make promises of a return, and man do I want to, but in the midst of all this chaos with my personal life,
all these things going on with the Internet in general, I can't help but feel that all these signals I sent out either do not reach the intended people, or I turn them into noise before
anyone can see and interpret them. In a way, that's what I did again, with this site now.
I hope to in a month or so get back to doing what I love. I know I'm saying this as a lie to myself. I'm too ostracized both physically in real life, and digitally online to ever make
something I could feel okay with, let alone something I feel would be good enough to broadcast and connect with others over. I try to comfort myself with this idea that soon enough,
give or take a few years, I'll be out of the environment I am in now, and I'll feel the change my actions bring, but till then, everything I do really does seem pointless.
I really hope I do come back. I'm aware it all is in my power to do so, but it does not feel like I am (both physically and mentally) in the right place to do this. It is so dear to me, the entire movement, idea, people, that I just. I cannot.
I'll hopefully return to this community, if not in a few months, then a year or two. I'd say
some cliché thing now like 'stay in contact!' or whatever else, but I have no one to stay in contact with, nor any community to update. I bear the fault of that on me. I do hope that when I do return
I'll be in a better state of mind and I'll be able to connect with you all.
That's it from me. Thank you for reading this. Goodbye. Back To Neocities