I'm here, at the moment I wanted to have for such a long time. What now?
I guess what would be right is for me to just let it go, the entire time I've been creating the site, I kept restricting truly free thoughts and trying to write
filtered versions of the text that goes through my head, I think, to serve this journal its true purpose, I should just let go of whatever restriction I placed
in my brain, and just...write.
I have been making websites since I was 14 years old, my first ever site has never gone public and stayed completely local, and was definitely a lot bigger of a mess
than this one, but, exactly in that mess was it able to obtain its own charm. Back then I did not ever even think to create a digital journal, rather, I had a 'sudden-venting' page where I would
open up the document, write a bunch of stuff that was inside of my head, CTRL+S and leave. I firmly believe to this day if you zoomed through the entire page, you would get a seizure.
I frequently used colorful text/background to convey emotions, typical color associations, red as anger, blue as sadness and so on.
However to me, what makes this an entirely different ordeal is that this is something that is completely online. I am not just talking to myself anymore, I also am writing to people, to... anyone really. I've for a long time wanted to have a digital corner of my own, I'm really happy to see it slowly come to fruition, but now that I'm at a point where I get to write and just start a 'public-albeit-personal' journey, I am against pulling the trigger.
I would be lying to you, and, to myself, if I said that I am not afraid. I'm generally a very private person, and I tend not to share any details at all, so for me to publish something like this is a huge and drastic step out of my comfort zone, one which feels extremely uncomfortable, yet so freshly exhilarating. This is a decision done spontaneously, at the time of writing, I haven't even finished up the webpage, the only things I have done are... the about me section and the journaling section. I was THAT excited to try this out.
While at the topic of design, you've definitely noticed the lack of color on this page, this is intentional. While the website itself is cheerful, and is a representation of my inner mind, I would like for entries to remain more like genuine digital papers. Information about when it took place at the top, and the entry list, below it, the name of the entry, and then just text. No flashy stuff, nothing to keep your attention. Just text.
With this, I hope to attract genuinely invested readers, I believe that no matter how bleak something may look like, if it can make you sit and think, then it is absolutely worth creating or existing. There are plenty of spaces out there which look incredibly modern, captivating, practically eye-candy, yet are worthless when it comes to the value they give you by you consuming them. One of the biggest reasons for why I wanted to establish a digital journal was so that I could publish some of my thoughts, slowly watch the entries pile up for months, years maybe, and have an archive of it, while also being able to share a part of my inner mind with the world, potentially, maybe helping someone else in the process, whether that be through a sentence I wrote, something that I shared here, maybe I also push someone else who was like me to open themselves up to the world. I believe such content needn't have anything else other than its own substance, the text, hence the simplicity.
I do not know how often I may write these entries, I may write them every other week or so, maybe once or twice a month, maybe skip a few months, or maybe even go every day. It's still a new thing to me, and the anxiety will slowly fade away, I'm sure. I may even write multiple entries in one day! Hell, I'm even inspired to do that right now, so many topics to just chit-chat about. However, I may channel some of that energy towards the zine, which I also always wanted to create. Regardless of it all, I finally did it.
On a more personal level, starting tomorrow I plan to introduce some things into my life, which I plan to document here as well, my mind is just plagued with envisioning how much this will develop, but I'll try not to get too ahead of myself. It is an exciting thing I've built. I assume that now I'll be ending this entry, and I'll see when I'll be writing here again.
It really is not often that I can say that something I created took off and actually got somewhere, but I guess this time I really can say it.
Creation finally led somewhere.
In a society that abolishes every kind of adventure, the only adventure left is to abolish that society.
— Situationist International